NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED

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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium ( symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons , 88 deputy neutrons , and 198 assistant deputy neutrons , giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons , which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons . Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years . It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places .

In fact, Governmentium' s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons , forming isodopes . This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass . When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium ( symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons .